I have been pondering a lot lately about the meaning of life and where I should be going and I will be the first to admit I have felt really lost. I have a lot of friends and family who are either LDS or exploring it as a religion, I mean after all I do live in Utah. :) It has made me think about why I am not LDS and what has happened in my life to stray me off of the path that I had started when I was young.
I remember having a very happy childhood, I had two loving parents and a sister that I was extremely close to. I am not sure that life could have been better for me. We used to have large family gatherings at my house, where we would BBQ in the backyard and all of my family would join us, even extended family. Our house was always full of people and as I think about it, I wondered who it all centered around and after some deep thinking I realized it centered around my parents.
I was extremely close to my father, he was a very good man. I never got to tell him how much I loved him or looked up to him as he passed away when I was the tender age of twelve. However, I do remember loving getting dressed up every Sunday and walking to church with him. All of my friends were in my ward and we attended together, it was just something we did and was expected of us. I loved church, I loved my Bishop...I couldn't imagine doing anything else on Sunday. After church we would go home and change, I always felt so energized and so alive after church. I usually cleaned my entire house for my parents or something along those lines and then we would have gatherings or just family dinner. We always sat up to the table for meals, a tradition that I am sorry has gotten lost in everyone thinking life is just too busy or crazy for a family meal. I really wish people would get back to what is important and that is family, nothing out trumps family.
Alright, I strayed a little. Anyway, when I was ten my father was diagnosed with a brain tumor that was malignant. At that time I wasn't too sure what that meant, but then my whole world crashed in on me. He spent most of the next two years in and out of hospitals, fighting something that he would never beat and my sister and I didn't attend much school as someone had to be there to support my mother. I never truly understood how strong my parents were not only as a couple, but as individuals until I got older. I am still not sure if I could have gone through what my mother did and lived, sometimes I don't believe I told her that enough.
After his valiant battle lasting over two years, my father succumbed to the cancer that the doctors say could have been invading his body for decades. I was shattered. I turned to God in anger, feeling betrayed and hurt that he would take such a wonderful man away from a family that truly needed and loved him. I fear that I have blamed God all too long for something that was out of everyone's control. Yes, he was called home, but I realize now...almost eighteen long years later that He wasn't taking him from his family He was taking him from his suffering. This realization is enough to make me cry and feel peace at the same time. It has been a long time coming.
It was also a very important realization that I came to when my mother was so sick in 2010. We watched her fight a long battle with COPD and emphaysema, one that we all knew she would lose one day, but I was hoping it would be farther down the road when I realized that she didn't deserve to suffer anymore. When my mother was so sick and in the ICU, I remember coming home to the apartment we shared and taking a shower before going to stay with my sister. I remember standing in the shower crying because I couldn't stand to see her that way. It was then that I believe I finally turned to God for something good instead of with anger. I whispered to him that if she couldn't get better and she would never be able to come home atleast in the same condition she went in to the hospital, that I wanted Him to take her home. To end her suffering so that she wouldn't have to live in pain, to not be able to breathe anymore...she couldn't even walk down a hallway without getting winded. But I looked up to the ceiling and I asked God to take her, to take my mother. It was both a selfless and selfish act. I couldn't mentally handle the roller coaster anymore of her sickness and I didn't want her to suffer any longer. This is the first prayer I ever remember getting an answer to, though I am sure there were others, but probably a week later my mother passed away. It was both heartbeaking and a blessing. I am sure where she is now she gets to spend the rest of her time with her loving husband and other lost family members and friends and she can do everything she used to love without running out of air and without feeling like a cripple and a burden to anyone. I love and miss both of you. RIP Mom and Dad. John Marshall Harvey, Jr. September 9, 1950-August 5, 1994 and Judy Rae Harvey March 24, 1945-January 26, 2010.
Four years ago I met someone at work who helped restore some of my faith in a religion that I had all but given up on. I started working at Target and the first day I worked in the deli he introduced himself to me and I am thankful to say we have been friends since. I was 26 at the time and he was a young 19, but the wisdom that he held was much more than someone beyond his years. His faith in his religion is so strong that it kind of radiates off of him to those around him. He started me thinking and possibly planted that little seed of faith in me again. It has been many years that I have been pondering this and I'm still not one hundred percent sure if the LDS religion is for me, but I know that I want to believe in something, I know there is more out there. Now I just need to work on finding the faith. Hopefully he can handle all of the questions that I am sure are coming...
So now that I have rambled on and exposed much of my inner mind and heart, I will go for the night. If there are any feelings on religion from anyone who reads this I would love to hear them. Also, I loved the quote at the top and the Bountiful Temple is by far my favorite one in Utah and I think it is absolutely beautiful. If I do decide to follow the Mormon religion it will be the first one I visit. Thank you to anyone who has read this and anyone who posts their thoughts. Until next time..
~Millisa
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